Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*weighs self after shaving
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.