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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’ve had relationships like this
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon