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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
We all have our pet causes.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.