Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
meow
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
☠️ ☠️
