Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
You Might Also Like
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
absolute chaos
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
shakira sharkira
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.