Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
😭😭
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game