Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
You Might Also Like
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.