Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Last-minute gift idea!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
i actually laughed 😩
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons