Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so