Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.