half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”