Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

The only good comments section online is on recipes

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018