Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I feel seen.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
