Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.