Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Frog purse.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos