Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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I know
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Choose your fighter
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.