Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

🤣

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

✌️

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

#math

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.