Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

With a text.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Some people were born into their job.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace