Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.