Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

a New Yorker reject, for you

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Spell check is for lasers.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao