Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?