Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

“Why you watching this shit?”

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.