Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.