Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
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Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine