Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
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Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?