Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
You Might Also Like
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
181.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.