Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Eating for two.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.