Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir