Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Anime is real
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha