Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Lassie, get help!

ㅤ

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.