[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Fries, not lies.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
that de-escalated quickly
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?