Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit