Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”