[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
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#DesignFail
This will never not be funny 😭
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit