Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

I don’t hate children, just yours.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?