Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

A leaf blower, but for people.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.