Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

WWE is French for “yes”

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.