Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

consequences, the bane of my existence

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.