A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
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me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Skills
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: