Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

incredible

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.