Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

There are no pants in heaven.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry