Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Blew my mind.

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?