Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
