Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
bro what is going on at twitter
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.