Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.