Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.