Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores