Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Word!
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy