Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]