Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Every damn time
I feel this so hard
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase