Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

in 3 months

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

how high up are we talkin’?

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what