Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi