Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Now this is how you LinkedIn

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Is your wife single?

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan