Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.