Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Growing out my freckles.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well