Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.