Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
multitasking lunch
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
This raises questions
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
