Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“That’s what” – She
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?