Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”