Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]