Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan