Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.