Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.