Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

not seeing the problem

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.