Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.