Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

U talkin 2 me?

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

What personal space?

My dog

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.