Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

still the best tweet of the year by far

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.