Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”