Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

what?

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man