Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun