Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

When I play the kazoo, I play to win