Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.