Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?