Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
getting seasonal up in here
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.