Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
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Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.