Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

True freaking story!

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.