Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol